A Morning in the House of God

I had to go to church this morning. Not to, you know, go to church but to count the weekend's offering. In my partial employment I've picked up another gig in part-time accounting. OK, not really; it was a one time thing, but I was really good at it. My accounting skills are not the point here, the actual trip to church is. It should be noted I haven't been to church in about 4 and a 1/2 years. With the exception of a few weddings, not for a service or a funeral or a holiday, nothing. Needless to say, I was a little nervous going there. I mean, House of God here people, not really something you screw around with, even if you don't so much believe. Not saying I don't believe, not saying I do, I'm just saying, don't want to take any chances.

So here were my thoughts on the way to church:

• Am I appropriately dressed? I mean does this Tommy Hilfiger polo make me look like a skank? Tommy Hilfiger by its very definition is the opposite of skanky right? Maybe I should change? Are turtlenecks OK when it's 60 degrees outside? No? OK, we're going with the polo.
• Can God hear me listening to this music? If so, does he care about the content? Like the songs that came on the radio were Britney Spears' 'Three' and Jimmy Buffet/Alan Jackson 'It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere'. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think threesomes and binge drinking at all hours of the day are things you're supposed to think about in church. Should I find my old Carrie Underwood CD and put on some 'Jesus Take The Wheel'? No? OK, we'll just listen to some commercials, don't think they can get me in too much trouble.
• I curse like a freaking sailor. What if I accidentally start screaming out expletives in the middle of the building? Not that I walk around randomly screaming out the f-word but what if the case of Tourettes I didn't even know I had suddenly appears right now? Will I just immediately spontaneously combust? You are an adult, a grown woman, you can keep yourself from saying nasty words for the hour and a half you are going to be in this building. That and I'm not even sure spontaneously combusting humans are a thing.

I survived. I wore the shirt, no one called me a whore. I listened to what I wanted to in the car and was not struck down in the parking lot. I did not say one word that was unholy while in the building. I consider this to equal one very successful day.

All that being said, you can probably count on me spending the remainder of the day binge drinking, screaming swear words during the Pens game, and laughing at Youtube videos of people falling. That's just the charm of me.