An Open Letter

Dear BJ's Wholesale Club,

I fully understand your purpose of having club cards so only members can experience your incredible discounts. Not just anybody should be allowed to buy 100 Solo cups for only $7.99. Perks like these should certainly be maintained for only those who take the time to apply for a membership, awkwardly get their picture taken, and then carry around that little plastic card in the case of a wholesale emergency. The point is, I totally understand your 'members only' policy.

That being said, ARE YOU KIDDING ME that I need a death certificate in order close someones membership?! You are neither a bank nor a government agency nor one of the many, many institutions that I would expect to have provide a death certificate to. You sell Nerd Ropes at like 5 cents a pop but you want me to bring you a death certificate to prove that I'm not willy nilly cancelling my family member's account?

Puh-lease.

All the best,
K. Fahn

P.S. In other (completely related) news, you provide perhaps the best tailgate shopping ever so thank you in advance for what is sure to be a delicious, well supplied weekend.

P.P.S. This household may never have to buy toilet paper or paper towels again so thank you for taking that off my shopping list for, well like, forever.