Am I the Only One Who LOVED Analogies on the SATs?

Analogies. One of life's simpler pleasures. Also, a very simple way to break down not only last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New York City but really, the whole season. The following analogies work on a few levels. One, as a breakdown of the dichotemy of Manhattan society and two, as a simple way of explaining these crazies to your boyfriend.

Let it be noted that the 'We' here is me and people of my class and/or position in New York society. (Incase that's unclear, I lived in Harlem in a studio apartment. On a $25,000 a year salary. I ate nothing but Chicken of the Sea. Let it be noted however: Best. Closet. Ever.) The 'They' in these scenarios are the lovely ladies who star in this show and people within the circle they run. (Incase that is unclear, LuAnn only goes out below 14th St. with her 20 something niece. And gets scared of the sex toys. What is that? Isn't that the point of below 14th St?) So, with all that noted, last night my boo (yeah, I said it) was trying to figure out...well I think he was just trying to figure out what the eff these ladies are up to and I perfectly explained it all with what comes next.

Are you serious? They don't just hop on the subway.

We take the subway like they take cabs.

Oh, and we take cabs like they take town cars.

Me and my brains will be patting ourselves on the back for the remainder of the evening. Thank you.

If You Don't Aspire to Be These Women, You Are Nuts

The Real Housewives of New York are what I dream of becoming. They are a brillant mix of fabulous and completely insane. If I could be that self-involved and get away with it, I totally would. Seriously. What's so wrong about not just thinking but knowing how much better you are than everyone else?

Last night's episode taught us a few things.

1. Ramona officially admitted to having plastic surgery. Sort of. But there wasn't any actual cutting. OK I don't really know what she admitted to but I know that her eyes are definitely like that for a reason. And that reason is Botox.


2. LuAnn gets more boring by the minute. Either more boring or more condescending. It tends to switch by the week. This week I think it was boring with the "I have to go 'downtown' with the girls" faux-tine. Which week was it when she called the little girl fat? That would have been a condescending week.


3. Alex (or Silex depending on whether you subscribe to the theory that Simon is the seventh housewife. Personally, I subscribe to theory that he's really the sixth thus making Kelly, who only came along this season the seventh but, I digress) has a new house! Finally they and their children no longer live in a home that is literally falling apart. While this home now looks like some kind of cabaret at least it has floors. And walls. And no exposed wires.


4. Jill is the Yenta I've always wanted. I'm not sure she has ever done anything to really piss me off. Her gay husband Brad, his skill with pillows, and his awesome blazers do not hurt her case either. Last night particularly, she flawlessly helped Simon with that GE Monogram appliance product placement. Even though we are well aware she has something Viking-esque in her kitchen.


5. Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny. Your wit and one liners are what I really wish I had. Or your writers. Whatever it is, I want it. Watching you aruge with people dumber than you are makes me giggle with delight. It gives me ammunition to put in my pocket for future use against mortal enemies. Whoever you may be, get ready, I will be armed and I will be fabulous. (Was that the title of a Jessica Simpson straight to DVD movie? Umm....)


6. Kelly Killeron Bensimon. You may very well be the dumbest person I have ever watched on television. You are not only stupid but you are also so self-involved that I will refuse to dedicate anymore words to you as I am afraid what they might do to your ego. Except, being once married to someone famous does not, in fact, make you famous. Especially now that you are no longer together. Oh, and may God have mercy on your soul.
   

OK so the original 5 of these women pretty much make up the most fantastic show on television. Yes the ladies of Orange County started it but I still don't think it gets better than the ladies of New York. That is until me and my boobies go to New Jersey. Which could be better, but I doubt it.