No Kids, Just Assets

This past March I took my first trip to Hawaii with my fabulous group of girlfriends. One night, the nine of us were at a local watering hole, just enjoying a few beverages and I happened to be wearing flannel. (The shirt in question is pictured on the right and BTW, lots of people wear flannel.) This shirt led to the following exchange:

The Scene: A bar in Haleiwa, HI after ordering a shot and a beer

The Players: Myself, JS (my dear friend), and Some Random Man at the Bar

Random Man at the Bar: What are all you ladies celebrating?

JS (clutching me in a hug): She's pregnant!

Random Man at the Bar (who apparently didn't notice the beer in my hand or the shot I was about to take or the strange way JS was rubbing my stomach): Oh really? Is that why you're wearing flannel?

Seriously. Pregnancy now apparently means you wear flannel. Or vice-versa. I'm not sure but the point is according to my friend the best answer to "Why are you celebrating?" is "She's pregnant."

So that was Hawaii. Then there was The Ale House.

The Scene: The Amherst Ale House, after ordering a shot and a beer

The Players: Myself, A (Another Dear Friend), Another Random Man at a Different Bar

Another Random Man at a Different Bar: So why are guys celebrating? (This also leads to the question: Can two girls not sit at a bar and get a drink without having a reason to celebrate?)

A: She's getting divorced!

ARMDB: Really, wow!? So how's that going, you doing OK?

Me: Oh yeah, I'm doing great. (I'm so stunned that this was her answer that I literally had nothing to do but go with it.)

A: It was a really good thing, she's doing really well!

ARMDB: Long divorce? Short divorce? Those things can take 2 months or they can take 2 years.

A: It was quick! She's doing great now! That's why we're out celebrating!

ARMDB: Kids?

Me: No kids, just assets.

ARMDB: Well that's great news. Kids really complicate things like that. Congratulations, enjoy your night!

So, yeah. At the ripe old age of 24 I have managed to have a pregnancy that was probably ruined by all the Jameson and Bud Light and a marriage that has ended in divorce but luckily thanks to all the Jameson and Bud Light, there were no kids to fight over. Now, I'm not even sure all this is possible at my age but the real issue here is, why me? How am I always the pregnant flannel wearing divorcee? And why does everyone always believe it's true? Discuss.

Realizing How Damaging My 5th Year On The Planet Was...

Getting my haircut really makes me crazy. I will only get it done by my girl, at my salon, etc. (A parent induced, Supercut haircut at the age of 5 scarred me for life. This was the same year those same parents took me to Sea World and thrust my extreme fear of birds upon me. Thanks Mom and Dad!) So I got my hair cut the other day and, as usual, I now feel like I have been violated. Even the slightest bit being cut off makes me feel like the oxygen is being sucked out the room. (In case you're wondering, my hair is maybe a half an inch shorter. Maybe.)

(If you're wondering if I know that this makes me crazy; yes, I do. I've been well aware for years.)

So a half an inch and one new make-my-hair-less-frizzy product later and I was on my way. Turns out this product is awesome and does make my hair significantly less frizzy. Unfortunately this product is whack and sort of highlights my grey hairs which I did not get dyed this week because I thought I could make it to my next cut without a color.

So 2 things:

1. This is seriously what being a girl is like.
2. Invest in Sharpie's stock because I will be buying them out of black and brown markers to tide me over until my next cut and color. (Yes, this is seriously my solution to stray grey hair.)

(Yes I know this may also make me crazy but this is really one of those 'don't knock it 'til you try it' situations if you ask me.)

Priorities Folks. Priorities.

I've been making an effort to get out and experience my surroundings. Granted this sometimes means really mundane things but that's the point of living in the suburbs, right? When I say mundane I of course mean I have been bowling three times in the last two weeks. That's more than I have bowled probably ever in my life but let me tell you, it really makes for a nice little Tuesday. So Tuesday was bowling (bowled over 100 (108 to be exact) for the first time ever! And yes, there are pictures to prove it.) and beers.

Wednesday was my first Team in Training meeting, (Got the training schedule, may God have mercy on my soul.) after which I went to my first Sabres game. (Big win! In a shootout! Go Pens!) Now all this activity meant I had to set up the DVR prior to leaving the house; ABC comedy Wednesday is unmissable. I get to the program guide only to realize that my shows are all on at weird times and are repeats because the State of the Union Address was last night. I do not know whether to be more embarrassed that I did not know it was State of the Union time or that I then proceeded to set the DVR to record repeats of all my shows and not the Presidential address itself.

Luckily, my good friends over at New York Magazine, saved my life once again. I am now not only caught up on current events but still got In the Moonlight stuck in my head all over again. (I looked really, really hard for a clip of this since I'm sure no one has any idea what I'm talking about but couldn't find one. I would recommend clicking here and if you don't have time to watch the whole half hour, click ahead to about the 19 minute mark to hear the awesomeness. I of course recommend watching the whole half hour, this is easily the funniest show on television right now.)

I'm Totally Gonna Be Famous

In just half a season Glee has become my favorite show on television. I actually cried when they won their Golden Globe. (I have also cried when they show Kim Kardashian at Saints games so I'm not sure references to my tears gives any significant barometer of what my feelings are.) Recently, the producers of Glee announced they will be holding open auditions for amateurs and professionals alike to fill three new roles for the second season.

If this isn't best news I've ever gotten I don't know what is. Clearly, I will be submitting an audition tape. I will be spending the rest of the evening in my bathroom (great acoustics, everyone knows that right?) in my big empty house preparing my vocal selection. See you later Job Hunt '10, I've got it all figured out now.

Also, if anyone knows of a dance instructor in the greater Buffalo area, I'm going to need their name and contact information. Bonus points if this dance instructor gives his or her lessons for free.

It's Official

I signed up for my first half-marathon today. This ranks somewhere on a very fine line between the best and worst idea I have ever had. I definitely anticipate some excellent blog content to come from this experience. (And even though it is for Team in Training, an excellent cause, I'm pretty sure this is going to be content of the hilarious, I can't walk a straight line sober variety, and not of the I'm changing my life one mile at a time variety.)

For starters, today I learned what a 'singlet' is. Well, sort of. To fill out an application that basically needed no information beyond my name and address I had to send 5 different texts to my friend A, whose idea this all was in the first place. Apparently a singlet is some kind of half leotard you wear on race day. (Where I come from this is known as a tank top, but what do I know.) Apparently my large boobs to shrinking (seriously!) waist ratio plus my lack of any knowledge of anything about running equals, I'll probably be the one person on race day who doesn't have a singlet. Either that or it's going to be a fat guy in a little coat scene which will probably be equally as hilarious.

Wish me luck folks. Wish. Me. Luck.

Heisman!

The Scene: Libation Station

The Players: Kristen, Ken, and Lyles

Over a few pitchers, a conversation about football begins.

Lyles: If I had been a football player I probably would have been a corner. You know, tall and lanky.

Ken: We probably both would have been, we're like same body type. And we're pretty quick, athletic.

Me: What would I have been?

Lyles: Oh you? You would be a D-Lineman. You got that size behind you. Wait...

Now, this was clearly meant with no harm or bad feelings. This is one of my best friends, has been for years, will be for years. By no means was he calling me fat or large, he was just stating a fact. If there was a woman's football league out there, I'd clearly be an outside linebacker. So, new career goal: set. Suddenly, my Halloween costume is making so much more sense.

I'm not even sure this is that good of a story, but the thought of me being a defensive lineman makes me laugh out loud everytime I picture it.

I Have Begun Exercising

No, seriously, I have. OK, so it's only been 3 days. And it's only the Wii Fit but still, 3 days is a start and if you've never used the Wii Fit, don't knock it 'til you try it. Particularly if you, like me, are using the brand new Biggest Loser game you bought your Mom for Christmas. (No, my Mom hasn't used it yet but isn't that what being a mother means? Your kids use your money to buy you a gift that is really for them?) You can set up your own little training program, they give you diet challenges for the day (today I have to eat one raw vegetable), it's really a treat.

The first day my diet challenge was to prepare at least one meal at home. Which I did. It was ribs and potato salad. Do we think that's what they were talking about? I should probably mention here that's it is Friday and in the Fahnestock household which means Bocce's Pizza and wings for dinner so I plan on making that one raw vegetable the little bag of carrots that comes in the box.

In other related news, I may be losing my mind because I'm pretty sure I just signed up to run a half-marathon. More details on this one to follow. Also, jaws off the floor please assholes.

Paranormal State + Sex Diaries + Wearing an Awkward Headset = Wait, What?

I read this week's Sex Diary this morning. (I've said it once, I'll say it again. Bitches be crazy.) While watching Paranormal State. (Scary West Virginia Prison!) This was the strangest coming together of interests that has possibly ever occurred. The juxtaposition of a 20 year old not having any sex and people locking themselves in haunted prisons for days at a time is mind boggling. I did all of this while getting ready for a job interview.

By job interview I of course mean computer assessment that takes place between the phone interview and the upcoming panel interview. (While I was waiting for my interviewer in the lobby a woman at the front desk broke into hysterics over what I gathered was a sick father. While I sympathize, even empathize, not the time nor the place sister.) The computer shut down in the middle of the test. So I had to go get the administrator she had to restart the program and I had to start all over again. But before I could start all over the headset (oh, there was a headset) stopped working. So I had to start all over. Again.

I can't decide weather to blame my overly voyeuristic need to look into other people's sex lives or the fact that I spent the morning listening to people talk about Satanism but, I'm pretty sure something here is interconnected, just trying to figure out what it is.

In other Job Hunt 2k10 news: when you type marketing into CareerBuilder, Electrician positions pop up. Is this a step in the right or wrong direction from Automotive Technician?

Healthy.

Two days ago, for breakfast, I had a bag of fun-size Skittles.

Yesterday, I had a Vanilla Latte. And Pepperoni Pizza Combo's.

That's all.